Since this is an admittedly ghetto solution, I set about buying a new toilet seat online, which is surprisingly cheap and easy. You can even pre-order a seat, have color swatches mailed to you, select a color, and get a custom-painted seat in about a week. Consequently, my roommate and I had a shiny new toilet seat within two weeks...that sat in its box in the hallway for another four months.
Our dilemma was thus: the crappy plastic toilet seat that had cracked was attached to the porcelain toilet bowl with METAL SCREWS. Not only that, the screws had rusted, and the plastic washers that held them in place were impossible to budge. Additionally, the supreme genius responsible for this miraculous installation had GLUED the screw covers to the porcelain. Since contemplating trying to remove the old seat under these circumstances resulted in spontaneous narcolepsy, we invoked the "skip it" clause of our roommate contract.
Until, the other day, the right side of the old toilet seat succumbed to peer pressure and ALSO cracked. Since at that point I could either have replaced it or started to plant ferns in my toilet, I decided the time had come. After first attempting to saw through the glue underneath the screw caps with a steak knife, I soon realized that I could accomplish my ultimate goal more easily AND let off some steam at the same time, and so promptly got my hammer and beat the living squat out of the seat until it gave way and fell off, exposing the screws. After staring down at them in consternation for a few minutes, during which we apparently hoped to vaporise them with the combined power of our rage, my roommate and I got to work.
Or rather, I should say, my roommate got to work. Laura is tiny, and was therefore able to lie down in the miniscule space between the toilet and our tub, which was necessary in order to see the screws underneath the toilet bowl. She made a valiant effort, but was unable to get the washers to come off of the rusty screws so that we could pull them through the holes.
It was then that I went to Home Depot to procure a hack saw with which to saw through the screws. After staring in confusion at a dizzying array of saws, I settled on a small, cheap one that was designed to saw through pipe. When I got it home, we discovered that since the head of the screws popped up just a fraction of an inch higher than the porcelain, the only way we could use the blade would be to remove it from its handle. Laura, who grew up on a farm in Oklahoma and probably knows how to whittle things, spent the next hour and a half attempting to saw the head off of one of the infamous screws. Since there was nothing I could do to help, I sat in the living room watching Clean House and jumping at every noise from the bathroom, certain that Laura had managed to decapitate herself with the naked saw blade.
Ultimately, Laura lost all feeling in her hand and reluctantly agreed to take a break while I strode in to finish the job and promised to give her credit. Laura had managed to saw the screw down until the head was attached only by a thin thread of metal. Unfortunately, that thread of metal was apparently made of an indestructible alien alloy, because it would not yield. The blade wouldn't even move. I was getting absolutely nowhere. I then spent a fruitless half hour trying to saw around the circumference of the screw's head, but since doing that required pushing the screw up through the hole from the bottom while simultaneously sawing from the top, I couldn't get adequate leverage.
At about the time that it occurred to me that screws really were purely decorative when it came to toilet seats, I also came to the realization that there had to be an easier way. And by "had to," I mean that I'm lazy, and I refuse to accept that anything that can be done in 8 hours cannot also be accomplished in 15 minutes. "What would MacGyver do," I thought? And then it hit me. Macgyver would blow the toilet to kingdom come using only a cracker and some liniment.
"Laura!" I shouted. "How crazy do you think this idea is?" Then I asked if she thought we could MELT the plastic washers off of the screws using our long handled lighter. And by "we," I meant Laura, since I am not small enough to get underneath the toilet seat. In all seriousness, the only living creature besides Laura that can fit in that space is my cat. She is small, people.
So, for the next few minutes, with the bathroom window open and the fan blowing, Laura held the lighter up to one of the rusty, dank plastic washers while simultaneously holding her t-shirt over her nose to keep from choking on the stench and trying not to catch on fire. I stood over her with a coffee pot full of cold water, just in case, and shouted down encouragement, which is more helpful than it sounds.
Eureka! It worked. Within a short while the washers were soft enough to yield and the screws came up with pliers. After that, it was small potatoes installing the new seat. And that's the story of how my laziness (and Laura's freakish smallness), literally saved our skins.
- Location:Home
- Mood:productive
- Music:My Crane Wife arrived at my door in the moonlight
I like to sleep. I really really really like to sleep. In fact, I like to sleep so much, that it's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. Every autumn, I look forward to you with the enthusiasm of a little kid at Christmas. That sweet, sweet purloined hour of dormancy is like a little slice of heaven.
You can imagine my considerable distress then, when spring rolls around and I am asked to give that precious hour of regenerative repose BACK. Wherefore? What possible difference could one little teensy hour make? Frankly, if you weren't mandated by federal law, I would just as soon you keep your lousy "fall back" and leave me the precious few hours of sleep I already have on a Saturday night.
Right now you may be thinking, "BFD, Luthien! What's the big woop if I skip forward one hour on the weekend?" I'll tell you what, you smug bastard. I have a church job!
Of course, I expect you'll give me some bullshit "green" excuse about how you conserve energy because people use less electricity when sunlight is available for longer periods of time. This foolishness is based on a 1975 U. S. Department of Transportation study that was refuted a year later by the National Bureau of Standards, which found that DST-related energy savings were insignificant. In fact, Scientists from the University of California, Santa Barbara found that Indianans actually spent $8.6 million more each year as a result of you, because they were obliged to use their air conditioners for longer periods of time.
Now, you'll undoubtedly argue that you provide a public health benefit, as you decrease traffic accidents. Several studies in the U.S. and Great Britain have apparently found that you reduce net traffic accidents and fatalities by close to one percent. However, researchers from Carnegie Mellon and Michigan University have, as recently as 2001, found that pedestrian fatalities from cars soar at 6:00 p.m. during the weeks after clocks are set back in the fall. Walkers are three times as likely to be hit and killed by cars right after the switch than in the month before you end.
Any account of your history in the United States is snooze-inducing to say the least. The laws passed over the last century with respect to you are many and varied, and in several cases, sparsely observed. I expect my history-buff roommate Laura could write a truly riveting blog on the subject, but I digress. The point is, Daylight Savings Time, you are an arbitrary and unnecessary waste of my tax dollars and sleep. Come Sunday morning, I will not "spring forward" as you so condescendingly put it. I will drag my lazy, tired ass out of bed scornfully and begrudgingly, because that's how I roll.
Sincerely,
Luthien
- Location:Work
- Mood:
cranky - Music:Precious and fragile things need special handling
Today, I called my landlord for the third time in as many weeks to explain the situation and ask him to send someone out to fix the problem immediately. He acted as if he was hearing about it for the first time, then acted as though it was our fault, like we stand in the shower with a hose directed at the tile, just waiting for it to fall off the wall.
This situation is a perfect example of why it blows to be an adult. There are times when I love the freedom and autonomy of being an adult, and there are times I would give anything to be a child again, totally dependent on my parents, and never in doubt that I will have (FREE) a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my belly.
THINGS THAT ROCK ABOUT BEING AN ADULT:
1. Staying up late (on a school night)
2. Having sex
3. Drinking cocktails
4. Eating as many cookies as you want
5. Getting a paycheck
6. Voting (DO IT, FOOL!)
7. Changing the thermostat to a reasonable fucking temperature
THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING AN ADULT:
1. Dealing with landlords
2. Paying taxes
3. Paying bills
4. Going to work
5. Having no one to take care of you when you're sick
6. Having to buy your own stamps (especially when, by the time you suck it up and buy a book, the postage changes!)
7. Getting tired after doing absolutely nothing
Feel free to offer your own.
- Location:Home
- Mood: stressed
- Music:You take the pieces of the dreams that you had
What the f*** is wrong with Asian people?!
I mean, that is Crazy with a capital “C.”
Nobody knows why he did it, or what prompted the attack. Li's employer said in an interview on August 2 that he was shocked to learn that his "model employee" had been accused of the grisly attack. An independent contractor who distributes newspapers in
Exhibit B:
On July 1, 22-year-old Thai-An Huu Nguyen was arrested in Garland, Texas after a three-day random shooting spree. On several separate occasions, Nguyen got out of his car at a red traffic light and unloaded a pistol into a neighboring car's windows before calmly returning to his car and driving away. He was caught after shooting at patrons through the window of a local restaurant. According to Nguyen's brother, his behavior at home on the first two nights of shootings was entirely normal; he did his homework and watched TV.
Exhibit C:
On April 16, 2007, on the campus of Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, Virginia, student Seung-Hui Cho killed 32 people and wounded many others before committing suicide in the deadliest shooting rampage by a single gunman in U.S. history.
Cho, a South Korean who had moved to the United States at age eight, was a senior English major at Virginia Tech. Cho had been diagnosed with and was treated for a severe anxiety disorder in middle school, and he continued receiving therapy and special education support until his junior year of high school. While in college in 2005, Cho had been accused of stalking two female students and was declared mentally ill by a
Perhaps a more apt question would be, What the f*** is wrong with Asian men? After extensive research (googling for about 10 minutes), I think I may have found the answer. AsianWeek, the voice of Asian America, published an interesting letter in its April edition of AskQ, an advice column:
Dear Q,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. So far, so good. The only problem is that he has “Angry Asian Man” syndrome. He flips off at the slightest thing, like getting cut off while parking. He has issues with his masculinity, so I think he overcompensates by being a noticeably angry guy at odd times.
I know the world can be very tough on Asian men, but this anger stuff has to stop. We’ve talked about it (please don’t tell me to talk about it; I’m doing it), but he doesn’t see it as much of a problem. He sees it as being an Asian guy in a racist world. This is getting tiring.
When he’s not that, he’s pretty great, with his nieces, my dog, my family. It’s just that out in public he can get insane. I need a simple solution to his anger. What do you suggest?
– Not Angry Asian Woman
As it turns out, there is even a website devoted to angry Asian men. Apparently, this is an actual phenomenon.
Now, before you go lambasting me for being a bigot, bear in mind that:
a) It's just a blog! I'm not being serious, and anyway, nobody cares what I think.
b) I lived in
c) I am well aware that there are plenty of white people, and people of other ethnicities, who do crazy things like kill people at random.
It’s just that, for some reason, the crazy Asians seem to be getting a lot of press lately. They also have a knack for taking it to the next level of crazy. I mean, do you know hard it is to decapitate a human being with a knife? I don’t, but I can imagine. That requires some serious suppressed hatred. I’m going to mind my p’s and q’s around my Filipino IT guy in future.
On a more positive note, my geeky excitement over the new X-Files movie is exceeded only by my geeky excitement over the new J. J. Abrams Star Trek movie. For those of you not in-the-know, good old J. J. is making a prequel featuring hot young actors in the roles made famous by the original Star Trek cast. Asian flavor-of-the-month John Cho has been cast as Sulu. Here's a poster:
- Location:Work
- Mood:
nervous - Music:I'm just a man who needed someone, and somewhere to hide
- Location:Work
- Mood:geeky
- Music:The chills that you spill up my back keep me filled with satisfaction
Christopher Reeve was a hard one, too. He was my very first celebrity crush, and I must have been about 5 or 6 years old when I first saw him in Superman. The scene in which Lois Lane hangs from the seat belt of a wrecked helicopter hanging off the edge of a building 60 floors above the Metropolis street and falls, only to be caught by Superman and saved from certain death ("You've got me? Who's got YOU?") still gets me every time I see it. His death was especially poignant in light of his tragic paralysis and his subsequent grace in the face of such daunting disability and tireless commitment to the cause of stem cell research.
Brandon Lee and Heath Ledger were certainly significant, because their deaths were so unexpected and because they were so young. The previews for the new Batman movie make me a little uncomfortable because they are so eerily reminiscent of The Crow with its dark, gothic aesthetic.
But George Carlin had a comparatively long life. He was 71, and had clearly lived HARD. I remember thinking when I saw his last comedy special on HBO that he seemed tired and weaker. I don't necessarily regard his death as tragic, but it does make me sad. What was so wonderful about George Carlin, in addition to his utterly unapologetic irreverence for anything other than the proper use of the English language ("Fuck you, I'm getting IN the plane. Let Evel Knievel get ON the plane!"), was his insight into the human species, which revealed, in spite of his best intentions, his love for it. He was unquestionably vulgar, but right beside the vulgarity was a genuine intelligence and compassion:
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
RIP, George. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your eternal dwelling.
- Location:Work
- Mood:
sad - Music:Altri canti d'Amore
When they got to the adultery commandment, I expected a story about someone who was unfaithful to his or her spouse, but instead they ran an interview with a man who had grown up in a Christian family that favored a strictly literal interpretation of the Bible. According to scripture, specifically Matthew 5:28, adultery is not simply the act of intercourse with someone who is not one's spouse: "But I say to you, anyone who stares at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
The protagonist of the story believed this so strongly that he spent the first 22 years of his life in a misery of torment, because he believed that to lust after a woman who was not his wife (which at that time was EVERY woman) was to sin against God. He would often give in to the temptation to look at a woman and fantasize about her later, because he was a human adolescent male, and subsequently feel that he must be some sort of sex-crazed deviant who was incapable of controlling himself. The kicker is that, at 22, he went to his pastor to confess himself, and the pastor diagnosed him as a sexual addict, admonishing him to get help as quickly as possible. So this 22-year-old virgin ended up in group therapy with seasoned child molesters and a woman who had had sex with a different partner every night for years.
This makes me upset on so many levels I hardly know where to begin, but I will restrict my comments to the central topic of this blog, which is the bizarre and self-destructive repression of the human body, particularly in America, and its resulting problems. I am convinced that to suppress sexual desire is as damaging to a human being as it is to suppress hunger or thirst. The symptoms may take longer to appear, and may be more easily hidden, but they are there nonetheless. I am in no way suggesting that people should act on their every sexual impulse. But to attempt to deny those impulses, or to convince a child that to have such impulses is evidence of evil is tantamount to abuse, because any attempt at suppression is doomed to fail, and will therefore lead to misery and despair. As horrible as it is, I am not at all surprised at the staggering number of Catholic priests (compared with lay people and other clergy) who have committed sexual assault. They have quite literally been driven insane by repressed lust and their own self-loathing. Though this in no way excuses the abuse they have committed, I am utterly convinced that if priests were not required to be celibate, these kinds of crimes would be greatly reduced.
I have a theory that there exists a kind of DNA memory, and people who have lived in the same place for generations tend to absorb the values of their forbears through the soil as much as through verbal teaching. This country was settled by Calvinists, and to this day, we as a society seem to have retained the Calvinist's repressive attitude toward sexuality and disdain for the natural world. Consider the uproar over Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" at the Super Bowl in 2004.
Of course, it's utter hypocrisy, because behind closed doors, people can't get enough cable and internet porn. In Europe, nudity and depictions of sex can routinely be found on television. In this country, violence has replaced sex as the "acceptable porn." Just look at the wild popularity of Grand Theft Auto or Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ. It makes me sick that people who linger adoringly over scenes of Jesus' flesh being torn off by a barbed whip consider themselves to be superior to people who watch Sex and the City.
If people had more respect and love for the human body that God created, they might not judge it so harshly. The miraculousness of what the body is capable of (repairing itself, fighting disease, adapting to its environment, creating new life) is worthy of awe. We spend so much time trying to repress its functions and bend it to an impossible standard, even to the point of injecting ourselves with botulism and deliberately throwing up our food, it's no wonder we can't stand to look at it. Do you think it's possible that if we learned to regard our own bodies with a little less fear and loathing, that we might show a similar respect to the bodies of others, and be less likely to commit assault, or rape, or murder? I think so.
- Location:Home
- Mood: discontent
- Music:Won't you come see about me? I'll be alone, dancing, you know it baby.
10. Keane - Hopes & Fears
The best thing about Keane is that they're not afraid of melody. The group's songwriter and keyboardist, Tim Rice-Oxley, is the undisputed king of the "hook." The songs are just plain, old-fashioned beautiful. In addition, Tom, the frontman, has the most beautiful voice in rock today.
9. U2 - Joshua Tree
As far as I'm concerned, U2 is the greatest band of all time. Though fans might argue that Achtung Baby is a superior album, the universal influence of Joshua Tree cannot be discounted.
8. A-ha - Hunting High & Low
Laugh if you will, but I'm totally in love with A-ha. They are my favorite band of all time. No one can deny that this album became an overnight sensation when the video for Take On Me premiered on MTV. What most people don't realize is that over time, this band has continued to roll out fabulous albums. They have really grown artistically with each new endeavor, and though they are largely ignored in the States, they are still quite popular in Europe. Just amazing vocals and classic songs.
7. Christopher Hogwood and the Academy of Ancient Music - Handel's Messiah
There is no doubt that this is one of the greatest recordings of this piece out there. I don't claim that it is the best, but it's the one I grew up with, and the soloists on this recording are second to none. This is the recording that made me want to become a singer.
6. The Tallis Scholars - Byrd Masses
If the Hogwood Messiah made me want to become a classical singer, this is the album that made me want to sing in an ensemble. There is no more heavenly sound on earth to me than the sound of multiple voices singing in pure harmony. The Byrd Masses are absolutely some of the world's most beautiful polyphony, flawlessly sung here by what is arguably the best choir in the world.
5. Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes
I wasn't a fan of Tori Amos for a long time. That changed when I saw her perform live at Radio City Music Hall several years ago. I don't love all of her music, but some of it, like Winter and Cloud on my Tongue, is just heartbreakingly beautiful. She has an amazing ability to tap into such raw and powerful emotion with her writing and her singing. I'm also partial to the piano, and it is her principal instrument. I chose this album because it's probably her most seminal.
4. Madonna - The Immaculate Collection
I have tremendous respect for Madonna as an artist and as a force of nature. Like her or not, no one can deny that this woman is formidable, and her music is an indelible part of the fabric of our culture. It never fails to make me want to get up and dance. Not bad a for a woman who really doesn't sing all that well. I feel this album reflects the pinnacle of her talent, though Ray of Light is also a terrific album and almost made my list.
3. Simon & Garfunkel - Greatest Hits
Some people might feel that Greatest Hit compilations don't count as albums, but to those people I say buzz off. I was born in 1976, and I practically absorbed Simon & Garfunkel from my mother's womb. Paul Simon is arguably the best songwriter of all time, and his collaboration with Art Garfunkel produced his best work. The harmonies are so beautiful, and you have to hand it to a couple of guys that can make a top 40 hit out of a medieval lute song like Scarborough Fair.
2. Sting & The Police - The Very Best of Sting & The Police
I'm going with this album because I'm a huge Sting fan, and I think he did some of his best work with The Police. Sting is just the coolest mothereffer ever. He loves to experiment with different sounds, styles and instruments, and consequently he's always interesting to listen to. I also love the fact that he's such a committed supporter of music education. But when it comes right down to it, the greatness of songs like Wrapped Around Your Finger and King of Pain speaks for itself, as does Sting's sexy, gravelly voice.
1. Michael Jackson - Thriller
It's just so sad that Michael Jackson has become such a laughing stock, because he is truly one of the greatest talents of his generation. If aliens visiting the earth long after the human race has vanished find a copy of this album, I consider that we will have been represented well.
- Location:Work
- Music:I've stood here before inside the pouring rain
It raises an interesting question, however. Is praying for someone - or more importantly, telling someone that you are praying for them - inappropriate etiquette? First of all, it assumes that the prayee shares the prayer's dogmatic beliefs, which is politically incorrect, if not exactly rude. It also implies, whether intentionally or unintentionally, that 1) the prayee needs the help, and 2) the prayer is just the person to give it to them. Now, in certain situations, such as the death of a loved one, there really is no help to be given, in which case a prayer thoughtfully offered is appropriate. But in cases such as a shortage of cash, a proffered prayer just seems like a cop out. "Man, that kidney transplant has wiped me out! I can't pay my rent!" "Oh, gee, that's terrible. I'm praying for you, dude." "That's great, but could you maybe spare a fiver?"
As a doggedly independent person, I like to think I can accomplish most anything without help. Of course, we all need help at times, and I often pray for assistance in times of need. However, it does get my indignation up when people credit The Almighty with their every accomplishment. For example, today, NPR aired an interview with Gene Robinson, the controversial Bishop of New Hampshire, and the Episcopal Church's first openly gay bishop. He talked briefly about his battle with alcoholism, and how he's managed to stay sober for several years now, "through the most profound miracle of Grace." Now, far be it from me to second guess a man of the Cloth, but give yourself a little credit, Gene. You may have drawn inspiration from God and from your faith to make it through what was certainly a very difficult time, but what of your own fortitude and commitment? My father quit smoking cold turkey when I was a little girl, and he has never smoked again. He would be the first to tell you that it was no miracle. It was hard work, plain and simple.
The point I'm trying to make is that attributing every occurrence to God, whether positive or negative, has the effect of making people feel less accountable for their actions. I personally feel that the world would be a much nicer place to live if everyone took a little bit more personal responsibility for the events in their lives. Certainly, some things are beyond our control, but many, many things are not. So, in conclusion, instead of telling me "I'm praying for you," or "Have a blessed day," tell me, "Make it a beautiful day!"
By the way, if you've ever worried over the souls of the cast of The Lord of the Rings (and who hasn't - those people are clearly devil-worshipers), head over to this ingenious site (thanks to my homegirl Jordan for the link), where you can post a public prayer for your favorite cast member and enjoy the bliss that only the truly self-congratulatory and psychotic can feel. Why stop there? You can also start your very own page and pray for the souls of the cast of CHiPs and High School Musical. Be sure to turn the spell check off. Apparently the Great I Am has little use for proper syntax.
- Location:Work
- Mood:
peaceful - Music:Rex tremendae MAjeSTAAAAtis
This is yet another cute idea stolen from her most Catholic Majesty, my roommate Laura (she's not really catholic, or royalty, but I like to say "Catholic Majesty"). In this blog, Laura is interviewing me by asking me 5 questions of her choosing. If you would like to participate, comment with an "interview me," and I will respond with 5 questions of my choosing. Here we go:
1) What is the story behind your profile picture (see above)?
That picture was taken in June of 2005 at the Columbus Circle Borders in New York. I was there with two lovely and amazing girls, Emily and Andrea, for a CD signing and performance by one of my favorite bands, Keane. Emily is cropped out of the picture. Lulz.
2) If you were not allowed to "do" Horatio (she means Horatio Hornblower, and if you're not in the know, IMDB bitches!), who else in the series would make your "port of call" list?
Definitely Major Edrington (as played by Sam West)
Archie Kennedy (as played by Jamie Bamber) 
and Lieutenant Bush (stop laughing! - as played by Paul McGann)
They can hoist my jib.
3) I want to see the different answers to this question, so I'll ask you as well (since I know you are irritated the the Dem's leading lady right now). I've also changed yours a little. For whom would you vote in each of the following match-ups?
Hillary vs McCain: Gore
Obama vs McCain: Gore
Hillary vs Demon from 3rd level of Hell: Gore
Gore vs Jesus: LOL! Gore.
McCain vs George W.: Is this a serious question? I'd rather vote for Sauron than Bush.
Nader vs Gore: Gore
Obama vs Gore: Erm...GORE
4) When it comes to the broccoli cheese stuffed chicken, do you have a preferred brand?
It's hard to go wrong, but I'd say I enjoy Barber Foods most.
5) I know one of your many jobs is working in the development department of a non-profit entity. What is the largest amount of money you, personally, have earned for your program, and for what was it used?
Excellent question! The largest single contribution I personally cultivated was $10,000. It was for general operating support of The Shakespeare Theatre. Last year, the grants I wrote yielded a total of about $700,000, so I suppose you could say that I earned that money.
- Location:Work (shhh!)
- Mood:busy
- Music:Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho!
I have lost all faith in my party's ability to win the Presidential election. Not only are the two candidates currently eligible for the nomination completely incapable of winning ANYWAY, both of them have lost any ground they might have gained from the country's utter mistrust of the current administration by behaving like such total douchebags that now even Democrats don't want to vote for them.
Let's start with the Florida and Michigan primaries. In a typical display of pettiness, lack of foresight and self-loathing, the Democratic National Committee deemed that the votes of the Florida and Michigan primaries would not be counted, a punitive measure against those states for holding their primaries too early in defiance of party rules. This fact was well known, and neither Hillary nor Obama raised any public objection. The voters also knew, and there's no question that this had a profound effect on voter turnout in those states. Hillary and Obama were, until recently, in a statistical dead heat for the nomination, but it now appears that Obama has a clear delegate lead. So, lo and behold, Hillary's camp has decided that, since she led with both voters and delegates in Florida and Michigan, those votes should either now be counted, or new primaries should be held.
Whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute. The votes don't count. End of. Obama's name wasn't even ON the ballot in Michigan! How can we know for certain whether he would or would not have carried the day? What kind of bullshit is this? I'm not winning so now I want a recount? You LOST. Suck it up! What gives you the right to put pressure on the Nominating Committee to skirt its rules for your convenience? The rules are there for a reason. Whether or not you or I agree with them has nothing to do with it. If you want to be a candidate of the Democratic Party, you are obliged to follow the rules of that party. I can think of an administration that routinely ignores the rule of law for its convenience, and I didn't vote for that one either.
Now, bear in mind, I voted for Hillary, but she is really starting to piss me off. Here's the icing on the cake from her remarks to reporters in Fort Worth, Texas on March 1:
“I think you'll be able to imagine many things Senator McCain will be able to say,” she said. “He’s never been the president, but he will put forth his lifetime of experience. I will put forth my lifetime of experience. Senator Obama will put forth a speech he made in 2002.”
Wutdafux?! So basically, you're endorsing the OPPOSING PARTY'S candidate over your rival. Are you bleeding KIDDING me? So, if you're not the nominee, Democrats should really just vote Republican? Now I've heard of sour grapes, but this is effing unbelievable.
And let's not forget the ~intelligent~ comments of former Clinton campaign advisor Geraldine Ferraro. You remember good old Geraldine. She is the first and only woman to-date to represent a major U. S. political party as a candidate for Vice President. Glass ceiling and all that. Well, good old Geraldine made the inspired remark that, "If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position. And if he was a woman, he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept."
Oh right! Because being of both African and Arab descent has always proven to be such an advantage in this country. You dumb ass. Obama is leading because he's a MAN. Gimme a break! Black men could vote in 1868. Women couldn't vote until 1920! Being a man of any color will always trump being a woman, and that's one point on which Geraldine and I can agree. Anyone who thinks differently is deluding themselves.
Of course, the point is moot because neither candidate will win the Presidential election. Ultimately, Democrats will do what they do best: half of them will vote for Obama and the other half will whine and bitch about how Obama stole the nomination from Hillary and vote for Nader. The Republicans will calmly and serenely vote for McCain because he's the Republican nominee, and then go directly to church to pray for the elimination of civil rights for homosexuals and unwed mothers that have abortions.** Tragically, they'll be one step closer to that goal.
*Now don't get your panties in a twist, Republicans. I kid, I kid. Some of my best friends are Republicans, and I happen to know they're praying for my soul right now.
**See above.
- Location:Home
- Music:But oh, did you see all the dead of Manassas
Just in time for it to be too late for anyone to care, I give you the Oscar blog! Come on, you knew it was coming. I’m such a dyed-in-the-wool movie buff that none of my friends or family members will play Scene It with me, and so it sits forlornly collecting dust on my shelf. But I digress.
Oh, where to begin?! The glamour, the dresses, the jewelry, the hair, the cheesy montages! I’m like a pig in shit!
First of all, let’s just get this out of the way. Ryan Seacrest, you’re a douche and should be banned from the airwaves. How this man managed to parlay being a phenomenal wanker into a career is beyond me, but whatever marginal amusement there was to be had watching him make an ass of himself in front of people wore thin about five minutes after his debut on American Idol. The man mimicked Marion Cotillard’s French accent to her face on the red carpet! No wonder the French think we’re all assholes.
Top five fiercest dresses, in order of fierceness:
- Jessica Alba – just when you thought she couldn’t possibly get any hotter, she’s pregnant and literally glowing.
- Jennifer Garner – Fierce hair! Basic black with diamonds was a trend that night, but this was the best example.
- Helen Mirren – Damn, that woman is stunning! We should all just bow down and pray to God that we look 1/100 that amazing when we are 62.
- Anne Hathaway – Best example of the “red” trend on the red carpet. With that luminous skin, there’s no contest.
Hottest in a tux? George Clooney, Jason Bateman and Patrick Dempsey, in that order.
Okay, now that the obligatory fashion critique is out of the way, on to the show!
First of all, it should be noted that this year’s ceremony had the lowest viewership in 33 years. I personally feel that this had a lot to do with the writers’ strike, and the fact that those of us who get excited about awards season like to watch the Golden Globes as a prelude to the Oscars. However, this year, the Golden Globe awards ceremony was not broadcast as a result of the writer’s strike. Without the Golden Globes to get us all fired up, by the time the Oscars rolled around, a fair number of us just weren’t as interested as we might otherwise have been.
This is not necessarily a bad thing, as I feel that this year’s ceremony, while much more satisfying than those of previous years, was one of the most boring I’ve seen. As much as I love Jon Stewart, I just don’t feel he’s the right person for this gig. My favorite Oscar host was Steve Martin, because he was funny while still maintaining a certain dash and formality suited to the occasion. Jon Stewart can wear a tuxedo well, but he’s a little too *wink wink nudge nudge* for my taste. He also made a lot of political jokes in his opening remarks which I felt were out of place, but what else would you expect from the host of The Daily Show?
I was happily way off-base with my Oscar predictions this year (it’s a good thing my office neglected to conduct its annual Oscar pool). Happily because my predictions were largely based upon who I thought would win and not who I thought should win. I was pleasantly surprised that, for the most part, all the people I thought should win won, and there was a good and equitable distribution of the wealth. For example, a heartwarming little jewel like Juno could easily have been quashed by the more epic dramatic nominees, but Diablo Cody won Best Original Screenplay, which is brilliant. Although I was disappointed when I saw it in the theater, I did feel a little bit indignant that Atonement didn’t receive more recognition. It did win the one award I thought it had in the bag: Best Original Score (SO amazing, people. Get the CD immediately). However, it didn’t win for Cinematography, which is bullshit. Once winning for Best Song was categorically fabulous and a complete surprise.
Now, I admit I have not seen No Country for Old Men yet. However, I have seen O’ Brother, Where Art Thou? and Fargo, and I still have no idea what the hullabaloo over the Cohen (erm...Coen) Brothers is all about. Granted, they are original and clever, but I fail to see what their films have that makes people think they’re such infallible geniuses, particularly since they themselves have the personality of dry toast. I’ve always felt the same way about Martin Scorcese and Robert Altman. In short, what’s the big deal?
And finally, if you were unfortunate enough not to watch the post-Oscar Jimmy Kimmel show, you missed the most hilarious and infamous music video since “Dick in a Box.” Here it is.
- Location:Work (shhh!)
- Mood:busy
- Music:Lug a hairball from the shower drain to the gay refrain
I know, I know. I disagree with this man on nearly every idealogical and political issue. He's an unapologetic Evangelical Christian who would proudly dismantle the Constitution of the United States in favor of a society based on Biblical scripture. He stands for everything I am opposed to: gun ownership, the death penalty, the anti-Darwin movement, religious extremism, homophobia, the infringement of civil liberties, etc. And yet...I like the dude.
You have to hand it to a man who will be a guest on The Daily Show and The Colbert Report not once, but numerous times, knowing that everyone in the audience thinks he's a loon at best, and Hitler at worst. He knows that the current political climate is far from ideal for an out-and-proud Christian conservative Republican candidate. Nevertheless, he is committed to his ideals, and I believe he's sincere. I have to respect his unwillingness to equivocate or ride the fence even when he knows he will surely lose. In response to a question about why he chose to stay in the Presidential race in light of John McCain's staggering lead in the primaries and Mitt Romney's capitulation, he responded "The people of this nation deserve more than a coronation, they deserve an election." Vive la Revolution! He's Ralph Nader!
More than that, the man can take a joke, and has mastered the art of making fun of himself without losing face. Hell, he let Stephen Colbert interview him while playing air hockey with the state of Texas and still managed to answer his questions intelligently. I think it's this quality, more than any other, that people respond to about him. He makes the conservative Right look a little less like a bunch of prairie-dwelling yokels with no sense of humor.
Of course, I wouldn't vote for him if the world were flooded with pee and he offered me passage on a luxury cruise liner, but if he was my neighbor, I would probably be his friend. That said, I've always had a soft spot for underdogs, and gosh darn it, that Mike Huckabee is scrappy.
- Location:Home
- Mood: surprised
- Music:I can see why you think you belong to me
"Everyone knows scientists insist on using complex terminology to make it harder for True Christians to refute their claims. Deoxyribonucleic Acid, for example... sounds impressive, right? But have you ever seen what happens if you put something in acid? It dissolves! If we had all this acid in our cells, we'd all dissolve! So much for the Theory of Evolution, Check MATE!"
Source.
I don't know which is sadder: that this person is a spectacular imbecile or that he/she is clearly unaware of that fact.
BTW, you daffy half-wit, there's about 3 liters of acid in your stomach RIGHT NOW. Are you scared? Perhaps you should take care to have more than a 2nd grade knowledge of biology before you start refuting the findings of Nobel Prize-winning scientists.
You better be glad Jesus loves you, because everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
- Location:Home
- Mood: distressed
- Music:La pendule fait tic-tac-tic-tic
Yesterday, a by-all-accounts normal, friendly and socially active straight-A grad student at Northern Illinois University opened fire on a class full of geology students, killing five of them and injuring 15 before taking his own life. He did it with firearms purchased legally and he had no criminal record. There was no reason for the police, the gun sellers, professors or anyone else to know that he was capable of such a thing or even contemplating it. If he left a note or any indication of his intent behind, it has yet to be found.
It was the fourth shooting at a U. S. school within a week.
In the name of all that is holy, can someone PLEASE tell me how many innocent people have to be murdered before our legislature will make private gun ownership illegal? What possible further incentive could there be? How can anyone continue to defend the individual's right to own a gun for their so-called protection in the face of such continual tragedy? I've said it before and I'll say it again: The shootings at Columbine, Virginia Tech and NIU would NOT HAVE HAPPENED had private gun ownership been illegal. Why don't we start by making pistols illegal? I mean, for the love of Pete, if you just have to shoot deer then keep your precious hunting rifles, but why the fuck do you need a Glock 9 millimeter?
Last year I wrote a blog on this subject just after the Virginia Tech shootings. I've reproduced it here from MySpace.
As everyone on earth is now painfully aware, on Monday morning of this week, April 16, 2007, the worst shooting in American history took place on the campus of Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, Virginia. The gunman was a troubled 23-year-old English major. By the time it was over, 33 people were dead, including the gunman, and 20 were wounded. The guns used to slaughter the 32 innocent students and teachers were a Walther .22 calibur pistol and a Glock 19, both purchased legally.
I have no desire to reiterate the bloody and chilling details of that day, such as the horrible experience of the students who survived the first round of shooting, just before the gunman returned to unload a second and third round. Everyone knows these stories by now. I have only one question: Just exactly how many innocent people have to die before it will be illegal for a private citizen to own a gun?
It's worth mentioning yet again that the guns used in both the Virginia Tech Massacre and the Columbine High School shooting were all legally purchased and registered. I am sick to death of the NRA and gun rights advocates claiming that private citizens have the constitutional right to bear arms to protect themselves against criminals who obtain guns illegally, when the fact is that people who obtain them through legal means are the ones most likely to commit a heinous crime such as the one that took place in Blacksburg on Monday.
Marijuana is illegal. If you think I've gone off-topic, just bear with me for a moment. Regardless of whether or not you agree with the legality of smoking Marijuana, the fact is that it is illegal, ostensibly because it is too dangerous for people to be trusted using it. All week long I've been hearing right-wing politicians and pundits babble on endlessly about their continued support for private gun ownership, because "most people are capable of handling the reponsibility." Really? Terrific! I'm capable of handling smoking Marijuana. Can I have some? NO! Why? Because the government thinks it's too dangerous. Can I carry around some weapons-grade Anthrax if I want to? I'm capable of being careful! NO! Why? Because it poses too great a threat to the general population. Why are guns any different?
There is no way to reliably screen people en masse to find out if they are capable of handling weapons without killing people. The ONLY way to prevent nightmares like the shootings at Columbine and VA Tech is to make guns illegal. There is no reason why anyone other than law enforcement and soldiers should be able to own guns. Will criminals still be able to obtain guns through illegal means? Certainly. But again I say that the shootings at Columbine and Virginia Tech would not have happened if private gun ownership was illegal. Would a 23-year-old college student honestly go to the trouble of spending thousands of dollars to purchase a black market weapon? Perhaps, but I would argue that it certainly acts as a very significant deterrent.
In a nutshell, my red-state friends, you cannot be Pro-Life and Pro-Gun at the same time.
- Location:Work
- Mood: worried
- Music:Dum, dum, dum, honey what have you done?
"I often debate with evolutionists because I believe that they are narrow mindedly [sic] and dogmatically accepting evolution without questioning it. I don't really care how God did what He did. I know He did it."
Source.
Wow. You know, I used to blindly believe in evolution, and now I see the error of my ways. How could I have been so foolish? All these years I've just NARROW MINDEDLY accepted that evolution is a fact because it's a hypothesis that's been corroborated by the meticulous study of thousands of years worth of anthropological data, and supported by brilliant scientists the world over. Whereas, you (clearly the bastion of openmindedness) have come to the brilliant conclusion that God "did it." By "did it" I presume you mean so-called "intelligent design," a theory only supported by passages in the Bible, a book written by Christian men (not God), millions of years after life began on this planet, which has no meaning to 65% of the world's population, and posits that God left the world in the hands of two naked teenagers. You can't imagine how spectacularly grateful I am to have a free-thinker like you around to open my eyes to the folly of logical thought.
In truth, the great Bill Maher has already said it better than I ever could, so I will end with a quote from the master:
"There aren't necessarily two sides to every issue. If there were, the Republicans would have an opposition party.
And an opposition party would point out that even though there's a debate, in schools, and government, about this, there is no debate among scientists. Evolution is supported by the entire scientific community. Intelligent design is supported by guys online to see "The Dukes of Hazzard."
And the reason there is no real debate, is that intelligent design isn't real science. It's the equivalent of saying that the thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, because it's a god. It's so willfully ignorant you might as well worship the U.S. Mail. It came again! Praise, Jesus!
No, stupidity isn't a form of knowing things. Thunder is high pressure air meeting low pressure air. It's not God bowling. Babies come from storks is not a competing school of thought in medical school. We shouldn't teach both. The media shouldn't equate both."
AMEN!
- Location:Home
- Mood: aggravated
- Music:You, unsuspecting, wear me too
So, to make the process a little easier for us (or even more stupefying...you be the judge), the good folks at Minnesota Public Radio have come up with a handy quiz you can take that shows you how your position on some principal issues aligns with that of the current presidential candidates. Thanks to my homeboy Stephen for the link ;-)
Not surprisingly, my results showed that I was unequivocally liberal. Surprisingly, I turned out to be more conservative on Iraq and legislative veto power than I thought. Also surprisingly, I was in precisely equal agreement (with a score of 59 for each) with each one of the three Democratic candidates. Terrific. Someone hand me a phone book.
- Location:Home
- Mood:
apathetic - Music:Ove, Lass il Bel Viso?
Ugh. It's almost 4:30 p.m. on Monday and I still have no idea who I'm ultimately going to vote for tomorrow. I feel as though my selection is going to come as a surprise to me when I'm standing in the booth. Ultimately, I feel it hardly matters, since come November I will vote for the Democratic candidate, sneers from my roommate Laura for voting along party lines notwithstanding.
If I had to punch the button right this second, it would be Hillary. The reason? She's a woman.
Now, before you go lambasting me for making a political decision based purely upon gender, shyad ap and read on. I am literally as center as its possible to be on the fence. I am divided equally in my opinion of both Clinton and Obama in terms of track records and policy issues. I generally find Obama to be the more likable candidate. He seems friendlier and more optimistic, and there is no doubt in my mind that he is sincere in his desire to lead in the best interests of this nation.
BUT.
I am very skeptical of what looks good on the surface. Particularly when it comes to successful women who have jobs more popularly occupied by men. It may be a cliched thing to say, but for generations, ambitious, smart, successful women in positions of power have been criticized for being bitchy when they show the same fortitude and confidence as men considered to be "strong." It's clear that in this campaign, Hillary has been desperately trying to appear softer and more accessible, but I say fuck that. Soft and accessible does not necessarily equal effective. I want a president, not a babysitter. I admire Hillary for being her generally surly and unlikeable self. To me it shows that she's more interested in doing her job than being popular. Now, I do acknowledge that one of the most horrifying things about Bush's presidency has been his unilateral contempt for any opinion other than his own, and his singleminded determination to make decisions regardless of their popularity with the general populace. However, he's a flaming moron who cannot define "sovereign" or pronounce "nuclear," which Hillary, say what you will, can certainly NOT be accused of.
Also, I am utterly infuriated at the state of health care in this country. Here we are, the wealthiest nation in the world, and people die here every day from treatable illnesses because they cannot afford treatment or adequate insurance. Out of control litigation has made it too cost prohibitive for doctors to treat patients because they cannot afford their own malpractice insurance. We ought to be ashamed. Hillary has always been in favor of health care reform, and has fought tooth and nail to keep it a vital issue despite seemingly insurmountable opposition from special interest groups and the obviously overwhelming size of the job itself. That's important to Luthien, the voter.
Finally, I'm sick of men. Men have been running this country since its birth, sometimes with great success, and often with great failure. It's about time we had a woman in the White House, and not because women are superior, but because we account for over half of the citizens of this country and have waited long enough to be represented in the presidency.
I've been quoted as saying that President Hillary would be the next best thing to having Bill back, and I still think that's true to a degree. For example, he's one of the greatest diplomat's this country has had in generations, and there is no doubt in anyone's mind that America needs all the allies it can get right now. He would be very effective in that capacity as First Gentleman. However, I doubt very much that Hillary would be stupid enough to get caught banging an intern, and that's Hillary -1, Bill-1.
Personally, while I find Obama's idealism inspirational, I also find it a little naive. I don't want to be told what I want to hear, I want to be told the truth, even if it's bitchy. Either way, I'll be over the moon if we end up with a President who can read a teleprompter and form a complete sentence.
- Location:Work (shhh!)
- Mood:
confused - Music:You've got to hold me and maybe I'll believe
Though I won't reproduce the article in its entirety, there are some key passages I feel compelled to comment on:
[This] story reflects a growing movement among some conservative Protestant pastors to bring back church discipline, an ancient practice in which suspected sinners are privately confronted and then publicly castigated and excommunicated if they refuse to repent...The revival is part of a broader movement to restore churches to their traditional role as moral enforcers, Christian leaders say.
Sure, because throughout history this method has worked so well. Who doesn't long for the days of the Spanish Inquisition and the Salem Witch Trials?
If you've read through the article, you know that it focuses on one notable example of this abuse: the excommunication and shunning of 71-year-old Karolyn Caskey, a woman who devoted 50 years and 10% of her annual income to Allen Baptist Church, until she made the grievous error of suggesting to the new pastor that he adhere to the by-laws of the church. He not only excommunicated her, he had her arrested for trespassing when she showed her face in church and refused to grant her a letter of transfer so that she could worship in another parish. When asked about this tyrannical act of emotional blackmail, the pastor had this to say:
"while the church does not "blacklist" anyone, a strict reading of the Bible requires pastors to punish disobedient members. 'A lot of times, flocks aren't willing to submit or be obedient to God.'"
First, I think this pastor would benefit from having a Merriam-Webster on the shelf next to his well-worn Bible, since the definition of the word "blacklist" is "a list of persons who are disapproved of or are to be punished or boycotted." Second, I find it fascinating that he indirectly accuses Ms. Caskey of being disobedient to GOD, when in fact, if she was being disobedient at all, she is guilty only of being disobedient to her PASTOR. Now, I'm no authority on the Bible, but I know a little something about the seven deadly sins, one of which is pride. I'm convinced that a pastor referring to himself as God is guilty of the sin of pride at the very least.
And finally:
First Baptist Church of Muscle Shoals, Ala., a 1,000-member congregation, expels five to seven members a year for "blatant, undeniable patterns of willful sin," which have included adultery, drunkenness and refusal to honor church elders.
Leaving aside for the moment that the last sin of "refusal to honor church elders" is so vague as to be laughable (if I refuse to give my pastor a blow job, am I guilty of refusing to honor my church elder?), one must assume that the other offenses refer to acts that took place OUTSIDE of the church. How did church officials come by this knowledge? Was it confessed by the sinner, or more likely, was it reported by a spy? Is it possible that in the United States, in 2008, there are 21,000 congregations in which I must live in fear of a neighbor reporting my personal activities to my pastor, who will then reveal them in public, exposing me and my children to public ridicule, and robbing me of my right to worship as I choose? I know exactly what Jesus would have to say to that:
- Location:Home
- Mood: aggravated
- Music:Your coat is hanging loosely on your slender frame
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